Why Quick Gun Moorugun should take over the BJP or Cow Banega Thalapathy.

As we know, the BJP faces many problems. They were bull-dozed in the last election. Raking up the Ram temple issue proved to be a big foaly. Expelling Jaswant for honestly writing the Jinnah Dairy showed the BJP’s herd mentality. What the BJP needs is a new issue that will resonate with the electorate.
For this, we propose they turn to the noble cow for numerous reasons:
a) Voters always consider animals as a big issue. After all, the Ram won BJP many elections.
b) Cows are very punny animals. Can you imagine the above paragraph with the double-wattled Cassowary or the Paradise Flycatcher?
c) If you still don’t believe me, let me assure you “Where’s there is a veal, there’s a way”
d) How can voters not like cows, the most gentle of creatures(‘To err is human, to forgive bovine’.)
e) The world is beset with multiple problems like Recession, Swine-Flu and Shortage-Of-Good- Cinema-Halls-In-Chennai. Cows always display a thoughtful appearance that you know is trying to detect the ‘Cows-And-Effect’ and solve these issues.

Now that we have proved that cows represent the future, it is but a simple leap of imagination to select a cowboy as Symbol of Glorious Cows. QGM as quintessential cowboy who is unafraid to take the bull by its horns will appeal to any cow-lover. He will be The Antidote to those cow-killing Cowngressmen whose buzzword is ‘Dined it, I say’.

Penned by Pundit Goach, Intern-at-large, in Orchard Chennai.

A Link A Day # 193: World's Funniest Jokes

With a name like that, you better be funny. If you sample the site, you'd think it's a pompous claim. But when you discover some gems, you'll probably wonder, for a nanosecond, may be...just may be...they are funny indeed. Here's one humorous piece I discovered there...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Posted by Anantha.

Silly Points

Just when you thought you’re out of “Diwali Dhamaka” for good, bang comes the IPL. With every brand finding its way to South Africa, it’s up to us poor scribes to come with those “catchy” promo names. Drop into any agency and some red-eyed specimen will be googling “cricket terms”. From presenting Dhoni with the man of the match award to being the 12th man to the KKRs, the consumer is promised a one way ticket to cricketing heaven. All under the assumption that he or she is going to get hooked on to your promo and not the 100 others that sound exactly like yours, read the conditions, buy the product, enter the lucky dip and phew…finally get to South Africa. There should be a better way right?

And if by some miraculous working of fate, you’ve escaped writing “XYZ khao, South Africa Jao”, rest assured you will be working on match branding. With every second of the game being commercialized, there will be no dearth of opportunities for “punchy” labels. Be it a wicket, a four, a six, the umpire scratching his head, the bowler scratching his groin, the audience waving, a dog running across the pitch…YOU will be asked to work on names.

So get off those fine legs, brush aside the silly points, keep a ear on the gully, an eye on the boundary, watch out for third man, get behind cover, avoid googlies, keep it straight and short. Try a left-right combination, take a stance, the pitch could get better in the second half of the day. If you still run out of ideas, you’re probably stumped and it’s time to send in the specialist. Or better still, see one!  

Posted by Niru.

10 things Indian cinema would love to have us believe

1. Women have the IQ of mentally retarded cockroaches. 

2. Women secretly want to be eve-teased and roughed up. 

3. No woman minds her husband/boyfriend being a complete mama’s boy. 

4.   You can get to and inside any airport, when chasing your lover. (No matter how bad the traffic or how good the security!)

 5.  It’s OK to gatecrash a wedding and run away with the bride/groom.

 6. If you move fast enough, you can dodge bullets from a machine gun.

 7. Punjabis go “balle balle” 24x7.

 8. Tamilians still look like Mehmood in “Padosan”

 9. You are likely to sing a duet (a steamy one at that) when you are a second or two away from certain death.

 10. You will always ensure that you are alone in a haunted house. Even though every sign tells you that there is something wrong with the place.

Posted by Niru.

The Non-Dabba Association Rantalogue

There are the dabbas. And there is excitement.

“What do we do for lunch?”

“We still got half an hour to go before it’s 1”

“30 minutes to plan where to”

“Hmmm….”

“Sangeetha?”

“Full Mealsa? Dai weighta paaruda”

“Karpagaambal mess?”

“More-kozhambu vadai? Tempting...”

45 minutes later we are at Maris. Increasing our waistlines with a small rice mountain in front us. People with a decent paunch can visualize a metaphor here.

The travails of the Non-Dabba Association (NDA) in every office can guarantee quite a few laughs.“What’s for lunch?”, “That’s too heavy.” “That’s hardly a meal dude” “ We should diet from Monday” “ Why do the buggers make tasty high-fat stuff!” “Expensive” “Cheapo”

We’ve all been privy to these hopeless exchanges between the desperate NDAs just before lunchtime. We go through this everyday at Orchard Chennai. Suddenly at 12.30 pm all the artworks, deadlines, follow-ups and client calls take back seat. What’s for lunch? - is the 20 million dollar question.

About 7 names are brought to the table.

The pros & cons of every name are thrashed about.

A few blessed souls offer opinion (There is no such thing called a free lunch but there always is a free lunch advice)

And finally a place is decided. And not always everyone is happy.

And this is done everyday.

Sometimes we wonder why it’s toil. But then the satisfaction of having finished a decent lunch is something that keeps us NDAs going till the evening. More often than not, we bestow an indulgence on ourselves when we NDAs wallow in self-pity on not having home-food. This happens mostly on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays.

Ok, let me own up- I forgot Wednesday.

And a direct consequence is the masochistic wicked happiness we get when the little fight between Siesta and Work happens.

So all you people who know the best way to get to a man’s heart..
Let me tell you a little secret… for NDAs, the path is clearest just before lunch.

Posted by Deepan.

Pitch Lingo

It’s pitching season. So on the lighter note, a few coinages to add to your lingo.

Pitch-ai (original tamil meaning: alms): What clients dole out as retainer after calling for a multi-agency, multi-city pitch.

Pitchu-mani (tamil name): refers to the stalwart of all pitches. Usually the studio guy who pastes all the layouts

Pitchandi (beggar-mendicant): what agencies are reduced to after spending on every pitch in the city

Pitchu-pudungal (nuisance) – the nagging that happens pre and post pitch

Pitchaikaaran (beggar) – the man turned on by pitches, the idea of pitching, the idea of taking 10 concepts to a meeting. English equivalent – son of a pitch!

Pitchitay (tearing something) – super pitch, the client declared you the winner in the meeting itself.

Pitch report – frantic calling of all ex-colleagues; acquaintances and media guys to find out who else is pitching, when and whether or not Piyush is flying down!

Pitchuko (tear your hair out) – what client and account planning expects of creative, once the brief is handed over

More contributions awaited!

Posted by Niru.

Where is the Post-tu?

A small attempt to get people to post more. Non-tamilians, please ask your friends from the South Side to translate :)

WHERE IS THE POST-TU?
(To be sung with feelings to the tune of 'Where’s the party?' from Silambattam)

Seekrama yezhudhellam
Orchard blog-u poghalam
Vodka’va podalam
Aprom kooda yezhudellam

Already neram aachu
Thomas BP yeri pochu…

Where is the Post-u? Aah yen inbox-la post-u
Where is the Post-u? Aah postman-a kellu!

Monday morning anna porumay
Anantha nooru yezhuduvaanay
Murali, Shane-nu ovoruthanum
Ada post pani pani thaakuvaanay
Aiyo indha blog oru problem aachay
Namma youth manasu romba romab vex aachay

Already neram aachu
Thomas BP yeri pochu

Where is the Post-u? Aah yen inbox-la post-u
Where is the Post-u? Aah postman-a kellu!

Song reaches full feeling & crescendo

Where is the post-u tonight? Aah idea varalay
Where is the post-u tonight? Ada ullmanasu kulai
Where is the post-u tonight? Aah email pogavillay
Where is the post-u tonight? Ada time-ay illay

Lyrics: Niru. Playback: Deepan. Chorus: Latha, Harish, Balki.

For the original song, click here.

Posted by Nirupama.

You call it a pitch when…

Suits try to crack the brief for a week
Creative work starts exactly 3 days before the pitch
The AE takes food order for night work
Creative Director says, “Guys, we need path-breaking stuff!”
Groggy eyed look becomes all too common
The low-lying account guy puts together 160 slides
The branch head rehearses the presentation in mind
The jet-setting CEO flies in and changes the presentation
Nine times out of ten, the PPT refuses to start just before the pitch
You hear the familiar ‘The pitch went off really well’ in the end

Posted by Murali

The D-List of Advertising Reality

Deadline – The final time / date for accepting a piece of work.
The Truth – An elastic time zone which ends up getting stretched or snapped.

Director – The person with whom the agency works closely to direct their TVC.
The Truth – Someone who twists your script under the pretext of ‘lifting it to the next level’.

D&AD – Design and Art Direction (D&AD formerly known as British Design & Art Direction) is a British educational charity which exists to promote excellence in design and advertising. (Source: Wikipedia)

The Truth – If you’ve got it, be prepared to be worshipped.

Doodle – A type of sketch, an unfocused drawing made while a person's attention is otherwise occupied. (Source: Wikipedia)

The Truth – An art perfected by the agency and client during presentations.

December – The last month of the year in the Gregorian calendar.
The Truth – Scam. Scam. Scam. Scam. And more Scam.

Posted by Murali

The C-List of Advertising Reality

Client – Refers to someone who purchases something from someone else.

The Truth – The prodigal son who has one hand on the agency’s neck and the other on the agency’s b@#%$.

Creatives – People who belong to the art and copy department in an agency.

The Truth – A fancy term for a bunch of disillusioned writers and whining artists.

Copy – The written word in an advertisement.

The Truth – The chink in the armour of the visual advertising supporter.

Creative Director – The man / woman responsible for the creative output of the agency.

The Truth – A title given to a self-obsessed ego tripper for possessing the ability of practicing slavery among his forces, while being on a permanent paid vacation.

Consumer – A person who uses a product or service.

The Truth – The only reason why research guys get their salaries.

Posted by Murali

50 stock expressions of a creative person

1. Where's the brief?
2. You call this a brief?
3. I like the font you've used in the brief.
4. Where's the insight?
5. When do you need it?
6. F*ck off.
7. Go take a jump.
8. This is unacceptable.
9. I think I've cracked it…
10. I have a fantastic idea…
11. The scene opens in a beach in Australia…
12. Is it hot?
13. Will it win?
14. It's been done before.
15. I did this some ten years ago.
16. There's a thought there…
17. I have a better idea…
18. It's a good idea but will it work?
19. I think it will get a nomination.
20. Fabulous idea. We should park it for some other client…
21. We have the idea. We just need a logo.
22. Can we get this released before December 31st^t?
23. Is the font size too big?
24. Let's not put our key number on this ad.
25. Let's upload it to the Archive.
26. I think I've earned my salary for the year.
27. I'll buy you a beer if you can sell this ad.
28. I am not coming for the meeting…
29. We've looked at it from all angles…
30. We are quite excited with the work…
31. I am sure you'll love it…
32. Of course, your customers will get it!
33. Trust me, the campaign will work.
34. Bastards they killed it.
35. The joker didn't get the ad.
36. He can't tell his arse from his elbow.
37. I am not gonna work on it
38. You have two options. Take it or leave it.
39. Come let's go for a smoke.
40. What are you doing for lunch?
41. Let's sleep over it.
42. We've started brainstorming.
43. We are working on it.
44. We are not happy with the idea.
45. Call up the client and postpone the meeting.
46. I think I deserve a break.
47. Let's hire some good looking chicks.
48. Did you see that commercial? It was terrible.
49. How many metals did O&M get?
50. I am quitting.

Posted by Anantha

The B-List of Advertising Reality

Billboard – A large outdoor advertising structure typically found in high traffic areas such as alongside busy roads. (Source: Wikipedia)

The Truth – The extra print-outs of press ad adapts you’ll see in a pitch.

Banner Ads – Online ads in a website.

The Truth – A creative canvas strictly for junior creatives because the senior folks care a damn about it.

Bleed – An ad with impressions up to the edges.
The Truth – The state at which agencies are during recession.

Brand Manager – The bloke from the client’s side who handles the brand’s marketing activities.

The Truth – A tailgunner who loves to take the first crack at shooting down your idea.

Billing – The value of advertising handled by an agency on behalf of its clients.
The Truth – A pg3 topic for agency heads and a major reason for heartburn among subordinates.

Posted by Murali

The A-List of Advertising Reality

Advertising – A form of communication that attempts to persuade potential consumers to purchase / consume a brand, product or service. (Source: Wikipedia)

The Truth – A racquet where creatives develop gigantic egos, suits develop incurable ulcers and clients develop indecisive skills to skillfully distract the consumer.

Advertising Agency – A firm involved in the service business dedicated to creating, planning and handling advertising / communication for its clients. (Source: Wikipedia)

The Truth – The only place that guarantees thicker skin as a makeover. Without a transplant!

Art Director – An art savant in-charge of the art department and responsible for the art that comes out of the agency.

The Truth – A quiet soul (mostly from Maharashtra and West Bengal), who rarely speaks. And if he/she does, would be vociferous about reducing the logo size beyond recognition.

Awards – Yardstick to measure creativity.

The Truth – A shortcut creatives take to double their salaries (and their egos).

Account Executive – The lowest yet pivotal link in the Account Management ladder.

The Truth – The hapless soul who learns to smile when being whipped by the boss, client and creatives at the same time.

Posted by Murali

ALPHABET SOUP FOR ADVERTISING DUMMIES

CRAP: Consumer Research & Analysis Presentation
Usage: I sat through the CRAP dished out by the Account Planners.

C+V: Control C + Control V

Usage: If Goafest celebrates originality, then how come it's a C+V of Cannes?

FIFA: Fabricated Ideas For Awards
Usage: Is Cannes the ultimate FIFA cup?

FLEA: Free Lancers Employed by Agencies
Usage: Suits love FLEAs because they are deadline friendly.

KISS: Killed Internally by Sadistic Suits
Usage: Award winning ideas always get KISSed.

PAD: Pretty Art Director
Usage: This agency needs more PADs.

PMS: Potty Mouthed Suit
Usage: Why the hell did they hire that PMS, he's such a pain!

SCAR: Sexy Campaigns Aborted by Research
Usage: I have many SCARs in my portfolio.

SLOB: Slimy Lecherous Obnoxious Boss
Usage: That SLOB spends all day recruiting interns.

SSDD: Same Shit Different Designation

Usage: My job description hasn't changed after my promotion. It's still SSDD.

Posted by Anantha

To George Carlin...

Sometimes you can say the bitter truth and soon enough it is appreciated as an acquired taste. And if he were around you could never have the last word. So handing it over to Mr.Carlin, "Picture your grandmother in hell... baking pies without an oven." lol. Thanks George.

Posted by Ajay Menon

P.S. The video contains strong language. Viewer discretion advised.